Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
