Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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