I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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