Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
