My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
