I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
