dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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