so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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