This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
