I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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