I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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