the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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