He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
