In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
