Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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