Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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