Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
