the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
