I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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