Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
