I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
