Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
