Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
