when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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