GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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