I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just took my morning after pill in the library
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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