I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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