I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
