We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
