We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
