He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize