Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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