Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
