I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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