Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
