My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
