I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
