Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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