I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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