In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
