hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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