Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm bleeding and have questions
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
