why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
