if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
