I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
