i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
