Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she smelled like a LAN party
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
