The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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