i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
