im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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