They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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