We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
