I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
