I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
