Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
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