I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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