Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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