I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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