I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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