I think i sorta joined a cult last night
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
